Life is a highway.

disappointments. struggles. pressure in school, at home, and everywhere i go. i feel i am always wrong. for a few i am a blessed person but for most i am cursed. for some i am a dream but in reality i am a BIG nightmare.

despair. gloom. confusions. doubts. paranoia. failure. pain.

i am hurting because i cannot turn back time. i have live a life i never ever dared to live. i may seem happy, i may seem to have a good life but there is nothing i have. i am a great impostor - pretending she is always happy. i used every field i know to express myself.

i am not happy with this. very high expectations without even a drop of encouragement. BLUFFS and DECEIT instead.

i only behave based on what i know, based on what i was told. i am in total control of my life though. My life is now a myth to me like the drifter, with his laughter in the dawn. My life is now a death to me so I’ll mold it and I’ll hold it till I’m born. So I turned to the land where I’m so out of place, throw a curse on the plan in return for the grace to know where I stand, take everything I own, take your tap from my phone and leave my life alone.

i am only looking for some validations and some appreciation of my own. i am here, i may know where i stand but i am completely lost in a place of nowhere. i do not know where to go next after each step i previously took.

despair. gloom. confusions. doubts. paranoia. failure. pain.

this is the CURSE i am talking about.

"Hey Joanne, could you make a blog post about a girl who fell in love with her best friend."

And here it goes again. Another friend of mine asked for an advice about the same situation. Sometimes I get unfeeling yet lenient for I know there are these people who, as luck would have it, DESPERATELY need my advice, as if I were an expert.

I would just share this simple story.

                        THE POWER OF LETTING GO

           As I reminisce my high school life, I hark back on the gratifying happenings I’ve encountered.

            As far as I could recall, it was in my second year in high school when I felt that I really like him. Whenever I see him, I always make sure that I look nice so as to bewitch him somehow. When I know he’s looking at me, I make the best smile I could give. All organizations he joins, I also join them. I’ve been like his stalker for years. But I never told anybody else about my feelings for him.

            We knew each other since our very existence. We were playmates when we were kids. Well, he has been my classmate and friend since grade school. Whatever he borrows, I lend him, whatever he needs, I give him, whatever he tells me, I follow and whatever he says, I agree. I’ve been a prisoner of my idiocy for him. I just do not know if he has noticed that I like him; but it seems that he has not.

            Everyday in school, we spent our time together with my best friend – my best friend who has been a witness of my stupidity. She never knew that I had feelings for him, because I never tried to tell her. And I don’t have plans. But I started to realize that I should have told her the whole truth. I was really shocked and out of the blue when she told me she likes the man of my dreams. But still, I kept quiet because I want her to be happy.

            But the worst part is to find out that my ideal man also likes her! I know he likes my best friend and he can’t deny it if ever I’ll ask him. I’ve been his friend for almost 5 years. And for that, I already know if he likes someone.

            What I did was to stay away from them. Whenever they ask me to go home with them, I just tell them I got many things to do, that’s why I can’t go. But the truth is that I can’t take their rose-tinted-glasses sweetness when they are together. I can’t help seeing my prince charming flirting with my best friend. It’s really awkward!

            I felt depressed. Sometimes when I lay on my bed at night, I can’t sleep because I’m thinking of them. I do not know if they are already committed with each other, but I wished they were not yet, though I know someday they would also be. It was really excruciating. This was the first time I felt the feeling of being “broken-hearted.” Maybe others would say that it was only a puppy love, but I don’t care. Whatever they call it, it’s still love. The thing is I love him. I can do anything for him. The same with my best friend – I could also do anything that would make her happy. I love the both of them. That is why it is better that I let them go and see them happy together, although the consequence is that I’ll be the one to suffer.

P.S. to the one who asked me for this article, hope you were able to sympathize with it. just pray. God will soon drop your ideal man - in the right place and at the right time!

Long time ago, there was once an arid, dry land which was totally imposed with cracks due to drought. It was only a small compound made up of a few trees, with which the wind blows. Scattered around are pebbles of almost the same pale brown color.

That piece of dry land stayed lonely as it can be until a man, who came from a nearby land, saw the arid compound. He was problematic then because he just lost his job, something connected with agriculture. He felt really painful for the job was his passion and already his’ for 3 years. He sympathized with the solitude felt by the land and so he nurtured it using his green thumb. He tried to flourish the land by planting flowers of different kinds and colors. One of which are his favorite white roses, which symbolized purity and cleanliness. He watered the plants consistently. As he removed the weeds and pests that surrounded his plants, he usually talked with his roses. A few weeks later, the piece of dry, arid land soon turned into a scenic, promising and blooming garden.

It was a picturesque sight that everything you would see is green and spots of different colors. Everything that made up the garden was the fragrance of the flowers, the freshness of air and the greenness of the leaves. The pale brown-colored pebbles seemed to miraculously turn into lustrous, shiny stones. And the dry, cracked land was soon covered with green, moist grass. There were grasshoppers and crickets chirping around, frogs hopping from point to point, and butterflies and bees flying from one flower to another. Everything was close to perfection. This has brought happiness to the gardener. His passion did not actually die, but was continued with the presence of the garden. He was filled with joy and love, for his garden seemed to answer his efforts by blooming into perfection.

The garden, as I presume, is in whole gratitude for the gardener. Why? Because he has brought color and joy into the garden’s world. His simple thoughts, happy smiles, his joyous laughter, and his time and effort are appreciated a lot by the garden. His sleepless nights and restless days just to save the plants only showed his true and pure love for the garden. And I’m so much sure that the garden also loves the gardener so much. By blooming her pretty and fragrant flowers, she reveals her gratitude. The soft scent of her flowers seemingly says, “Thank you, my dear gardener.”

Both complement each other. The garden cannot stand and live by her own without the gardener. The same with the gardener who turned a dry, arid land, into a fruitful, blooming garden, becoming his partner for a lifetime.

Like the garden, we could flourish and be excellent in our own accord if we would be properly motivated. Each one of us is like the garden – gifted with latent potentials needed to be nurtured.

Like the gardener, we should not lose hope. Instead, we should use our talents in helping others to shine. Sometimes, we need to learn to liberate ourselves from the darkness where we dwell because doing so unconsciously give others the signal to do the same.

In short, each one needs inspiration in order to succeed.

Now, why is the garden blooming? A million thanks to the gardener.

it was an ordinary friday. i spent only around 4 hours at school and another 4 hours at the bsp council, together with my friends. as usual, i went home with wendy.

i think it was a twist of fate that we rode a blue tricyle drove by a principled man whom i assume is at his 70s. as we went off, he started to share with us his experiences as a tricycle driver, as well as giving us some pieces of advice.

"Anong year na kayo?" was his starting question. "Fourth year po." we answered. "Graduating na pala kayo. Huwag niyong pababayaan ang pag-aaral ninyo ha."

we were struck yet astonished by his previous statements. it was our first time to encounter such person of wisdom. still, we continued to listen to him as he blurted out his thoughts.

"Huwag sana kayong magagalit kung pinagsasabihan ko kayo. Madalas kasi, marami akong mga pasaherong mga estudyante na inihahatid sa mga hotel. Kagaya ninyo, pinagsasabihan ko silang huwag paglaruan ang pag-aaral at makinig sa kanilang mga magulang pero sa tinging ko ay wala namang epekto sa kanila."

i can’t really believe i was talking with this man. he was, as many would say, ONLY a tricycle driver, yet he tickled my scruples. he touched something in my soul which seem to have awakened my thoughts. i wonder how this man could have been so rich if every word of his preaches were turned into money.

and after i went out of his trycycle, he said, "ang paalala ay gamot sa mga nakakalimot. huwag mo sanang kalimutan ang mga sinabi ko sa iyo."

those were his last words as he concluded our conversation with a smile. he then turned his tricycle and continued his way out towards our street.

whatever it was, i just thank God for letting me convene with people like him. i just think God wants to remind me about my studies and he used that nobletricycledriver to give His message to me! and i am really grateful for that.

i think this isn’t and ordinary friday anymore. it’s something extraordinary - unfathomable yet great.

[Originally written last July 12, 2007]

          I saw him. There he sat on the corner, nice and neat in his uniform. The way he smiled at me sent shivers down my spine. He was my seatmate.

          We used to be classmates for a year but our relationship only stayed as to being classmates. No mischievous deeds, no heart-to-heart talks, no contact nor non-contact interactions at all. Frankly speaking, I’ve hated him because of my impression about him being an aggressive, boastful and a mediocre type of student though he was actually not.

          He was my seatmate for this school year. Since we became seatmates, I started to accept the way he was and understand him now better than before. He is the witty-wacky guy I used to admire. Both of us loved music so much. He is a charmer guy. I remember those times that he would greet me with his high-and-mighty voice, and that would cheer me up the whole day. He was a person of sanguine personality – jolly and optimist.

          A day never passes without the intriguing strips of our teacher. Our teacher would usually link us and tease us up, and that would be automatically followed by the famous battle cry of our classmates, “uuuyyyyy….” From thereon, our friendship became silent as it can be. I wasn’t able to talk to him that much anymore because I became self-conscious and shy.

          But things happened so fast. After spending the first 25 days of our senior life, decisions were made and new rules were set. Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to meet one of the rules, taking him out of the section. I didn’t realize that he wasn’t my classmate anymore until the chair beside me was vacated the next day. Seeing that vacant chair forced me to shed tears for a very dear friend at the spur of the moment.

There was no one to cheer me up anymore, no one to make me laugh, and no optimist to motivate me. Every time I look at the vacant seat beside me, flashbacks of him linger on my mind. The memories we’ve spent together, the laughs we’ve shared, the talks we’ve cherished – all are now memories, only memories.

          I saw him. Not on the same corner again, but still nice and neat in his uniform. The way he smiled at me still sent shivers down my spine. There is that different spark in his eyes that rattled my knees. He is my friend, but not my seatmate anymore.

          We still see each other in school, but things wouldn’t be the same when we were still classmates. How I wished I could change destiny. He’s so near and yet so far. =’c

[Dedicated to someone very dear...^_^]

How could someone be so happy and sad at the same time? My life is a paradox. In my existence, I have always felt deja vu. I am again stuck in an absurd situation - so illogical and so unreal. Try to think of it. It’s a battle between my personal conviction and the majority’s view. It has been in our culture – majority rules. It’s not so good. I hate it. So what if I am different, so what if I am alone with my belief? I know I have hurt someone’s feelings but I know it’s not my fault. I am so sure of that. Whatever happens, I’ll stick with my principle. I DIDN’T MEAN TO BREAK HER HEART, ANYWAY. Come rain or shine, I am NEVER letting go. There have been too much goodbyes in my life. I don’t want another one. :’(                  

My fifteen-year existence is about to end, approximately 2 months from now. Better yet, 2007 is about to end in less than 70 hours form now. Perhaps it is just normal to feel like starting again a brand new game with all of your [strikes] back to zero.

It was [only] now that I came to think of what 2007 had become. Well, i just realized how significant it was in my life, or maybe i could i say it was the MOST SIGNIFICANT YEAR so far in my existence.

It might not be interesting for others though, but 2007 has unlocked so many doors of opportunities for me, as a student and much more, as a person.

As my eyeballs drop on my diary, i again start to lose myself on my own words. it’s really fun to go back on the memories i’ve spent this year. On the other hand, as i read my diary, of course i can’t also get rid of the freakin’ days of 2007, let me also include the *freakin’ PEOPLE*.

Well anyway, i’d rather pray for them instead. i’ll just be leaving they’re damn memories in 2007. it would be a brand new year. i just hope it would be moe challenging yet as great as 2007.^_^